Mother’s Guilt

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Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. ~ Cathy Guisewite

How does it happen, where does it come from? I remember the relief and joy of giving birth to a beautiful healthy girl. So much promise in those little hands, peace on her face. She slept quietly at night and drank hungrily from my breast. Then we took her home and wham, the guilt hit. She would not sleep, I had no idea what to do to make her happy, she wouldn’t stop crying, I was doing everything wrong, the poor little thing should have been born into a better home. All that and more, day after day until my self-esteem kicked in and said, “Whoa”. Then two months later I dropped her onto the parking lot pavement, face down. Fortunately, she only sustained a bump on her head, but the memory can still make me feel guilty, though, it does explain her, at times, quirky behavior.

The divorce four years later only made the voice of guilt scream even louder. I was a completely inadequate mother, and now the girls (there were two by then) would be raised in a broken home. I took the blame.

Guilt is defined by Webster as, “feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or a sense of inadequacy.” When I think of the word ‘guilt’ I visualize an individual mentally beating themselves up for some perceived wrong. Some say guilt can strengthen the bond between two people, but I don’t see how there is a connection. I don’t feel closer to my girls when I’m racked with guilt over something I’ve said or done. Instead, I feel more removed and despondent. I didn’t feel more connected to Kristine when she was guilted into confessing to telling a lie. My first reaction was relief in the knowledge that I had done a good parenting job. The second thought was, “OK, what does she want?”

Do fathers suffer from the same level of guilt? What about grandmas, aunts, uncles, cousins, teachers, childhood friends, and all the other people who impact a child’s life? I am not the only influence, nor do I have 100% control over how well my kids turn out, so why do I carry the burden?

It is a balancing act between your children’s needs, commitments to others and yourself. Have you ever heard the phrase, “You can’t make everyone happy”? That is no less true for moms, but doesn’t stop us from trying. If we can’t make all the people, animals and plants we come into contact with thrive, we feel guilty; as if we have fallen short; are not adequate human beings. Remember the commercial lyrics, “I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you’re a man. Because I’m a woman, W-O-M-A-N.” Society tells us that women are no less than super human; can do it all and do it perfectly. I think it is time to re-write the rulebook.

Because I shouldered most of the guilt, I think it only appropriate that I now revel in the pride of raising three amazing people. I can spend as much time expounding on all their virtues and strengths as I can fretting over all the ways I ruined their childhood. Time has a way of healing all wounds, and children have a way of opening them up again. I will be given the occasional reminder that I treated one better than the other, or that I was too hard on them in this situation and neglected them in another. I read a quote when I was in college by someone named Anonymous, “You are what your parents make you, but if you stay that way it is your own fault.” I took that to heart and believed after a certain age I was responsible for who I became. I pass that wisdom onto my children without guilt.

How to use this blog: I will post every week no later than Wednesday so keep checking back or sign up for the automatic email option. Included in each post will be two tasks for the week; one For You, the single mom, and one For Others, those of you who want to support a single mom. The tasks will focus on how to improve the life of a single mom; yourself and/or someone else. If you are passionate about building communities, these tasks will help you stay focused.

This week’s task:
For you –When you start to wonder if the choices you have made will cause irreversible damage, or you can’t face the disappointment in your daughters face when you tell her you have to work instead of going to her soccer game, or you feel your best just isn’t enough, think about the following ideas. They may help you to move past the guilt.
1. Perfection and parenting do not go hand in hand. You will make mistakes and when you do, apologize and next time, do it differently.
2. Your best is enough so stop judging yourself based on what others do or think. This is your life and you decide what is best.
3. Love is the most precious thing you can give and more important to being a parent than anything else you will ever do.
4. Ask your children what they like about their life with you. Focus on what you are doing right.
5. Laugh even when you feel like crying.
6. Don’t be your own worst critic.
7. Remember that you are the parent and you will have to make unpopular choices. Setting boundaries is your responsibility and there is no room for guilt when you are doing your job.
8. To be your best, stay in balance and remember to spend some time focusing on your needs.

For others – Nearly all mothers experience guilt no matter how loving, nurturing and amazing they are. Talk about these feelings with your single mom friend. Help her to keep it real and focus on what she is doing right. Is her life in balance or does she need to re-evaluate her priorities? Explore, be creative and have fun. When all else fails, read her this quote,

“If you ever need a point of reference for someone who gets up every single time she is knocked down; to do her best for all of those around her, but especially her children, look no further than your mother.”

Love every day and remember to breathe,

K magoo

You can reach me at info@supportasinglemom.com

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Buy Me, Buy Me

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Advertising – a judicious mixture of flattery and threats. ~ Northrop Frye

When I was growing up in the 1960’s, we had a TV with five black and white channels. Cell phones, VCRs, DVRs, iPods, iPads, and lap top computers were only available to the Jetsons. The 8-track player was the greatest invention, a small leap toward the prolific use of technology. Our first VCR was a major purchase at $1,200 in the early 1980’s. Things were changing rapidly and it was all we could do to keep up.

Along with the advances in technology, came the avenue for advertisers to reach out and touch everyone. Recorded ads on auto-dialer systems call at dinner, spam is next to impossible to avoid, and you may find that free trial offer was auto-renewed on your credit card. Advertisements and gimmicks are as abundant as dandelions in the lawn and even harder to get rid of.

My favorite invention was the mute button on the remote control; unfortunately, it didn’t work on my kids. TV ads were sometimes fun but quickly became loud, frequent and extremely obnoxious, so I got into the habit of muting them all. With the development of DVRs, I can fast forward through the commercials, but they still get to me. In one of my darker periods, I actually became hooked on a Shopping Channel. After nearly two years of struggling to repay the debt and several garage sales, I’m cured.

Kids are far from immune to the influence of the media as the advertisers are well aware. When Kristine was little, Teddy Ruxpin, the talking bear, appeared constantly on all her favorite shows. She had to have one and so her father gave her the animated bear for Christmas. I think she played with it once or twice, and when a friend came over and admired the toy, Kristine handed it over. Scientific proof that advertising works, or that Kristine was an amazingly generous and selfless little girl.

Billboards, magazine and radio ads were not enough. Through cable and satellite TV, the World Wide Web, and smart phones, advertisers have unprecedented access to bank accounts, credit cards, and our rational brains. Pop-ups and pop-unders are not easy to avoid and found on nearly all web sites. What is all this doing to us?

Some argue that advertising is a reflection of our social values; our culture influences the advertising. Still I buy Lucky Charms rather than the less expensive store brand. I once spent $1,400 for a vacuum cleaner because I was convinced it was the best and my home would somehow become cleaner. I don’t see the beautiful curves of a Grecian body when I glance toward the mirror; I see the rolls and imperfections absent from magazine models. I judge people by the car they drive, though the advertisers would be disappointed to learn that I am turned off more than on. I once fell in love with a man who picked me up for a date in an old, scarred Austin Healey he borrowed from his brother. He did not feel the need to impress me so I was impressed.

Advertisers spend thousands of dollars on research to determine how to get their products into our homes. I really wanted to buy a Pet Rock for a gift one year, but just could not quite bring myself to do it. You see not all advertising works. There are instances when the advertiser does not discover the proper hook or the product is not appealing to the masses. Take Sarah Palin for example. Do you own a Snuggie? The ad is on YouTube.

How to use this blog: I will post every week no later than Wednesday so keep checking back or sign up for the automatic email option. Included in each post will be two tasks for the week; one For You, the single mom, and one For Others, those of you who want to support a single mom. The tasks will focus on how to improve the life of a single mom; yourself and/or someone else. If you are passionate about building communities, these tasks will help you stay focused.

This week’s task:

For you and For others – Just for fun pay attention to how advertising is influencing your life. What brands do you tend to buy and why? Do you have to have the newest electronics or hair extensions? Where do you buy your kids clothes? How many items do you own and never use?

If you are interested in avoiding as much advertising as you can, try these tips:

1. Use Pop-up blockers on your computer
2. Google “How to block ads on Google,” oops, that returns ‘no results’
3. Firefox has a free ad blocker
4. Unsubscribe to all but only the important emails
5. If you have a DVR, use it to fast forward through the commercials
6. If you do not have a DVR, the mute button works nicely
7. Consider renting shows for your kids, or use Netflix ‘Watch Now’– they have some good ones
8. Research available ad blockers for your cell phone
9. The only way I know of to avoid billboards it to either read a book on the bus or take the back roads, which may not be the best option. I don’t notice them so much If I have the music turned up and I’m singing my heart out.
10. Turn off the radio and listen to CDs or tapes
11. Read books instead of magazines

You will not be able to avoid all ads, but you can minimize your exposure. Will this make a difference in your life? Try it and see; you can always go back.

Love every day and remember to breathe,

K magoo

You can reach me at info@supportasinglemom.com

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To Date or Not to Date

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My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to. ~ Rita Rudner

Loneliness is an occupational hazard for single moms, and one that plagues the mind and soul. There seems to be a human need to share life with an adult partner who will support, comfort, take out the garbage, and repair the dishwasher. We daydream about the perfect person who will flounce into our lives to relieve us of our suffering and our days will shine with love; life will be good once again. Finding this perfect person takes time and effort. When you have children to care for, it also requires a great deal of thought.

Several months after separating from my first husband, I started dating. It was an awkward situation because I was five months pregnant with daughter number two, but was still slender enough to hide the fact. When I realized I liked this man very much I had to break the news; not only did I have a three-year-old, but was going to have a newborn in a few months. He was not discouraged. Paul was there at the birth and stayed with use for a couple of years before the relationship dwindled. By then he had become a part of the girl’s lives and they suffered at the loss of a loved one.

I was in my early thirties and lonely so I continued to date. Most of the relationships lasted a year or more, and all of the men were involved with my family, but eventually the romance would end. This was the dilemma; should I date, and if so, how much should the girls participate? At the time, I focused on my needs rather than theirs, not realizing that I was bringing people into their lives for a short time and the hurt it caused when these men inevitably left.

What was I teaching my beautiful little ones? Men are nice for a while then leave? That mom could not make a relationship last? How would they view romance, love, marriage, commitment? How much pain was I putting them through while they watched mom cry after another lesion ended? Part of me believed it was unfair to put them through that. Another part felt it was wise to expose them to the realities of life.

The two older girls grew up and have had their unique struggles with men, but are determined to not give up and appear to be hopeful that they will find that one person who will light up their lives and make everything perfect. They are optimistic while being aware that relationships take work and perfection is an illusion. Erin is getting married this summer and Kristine has a lovely son and continues to look for a partner.

The biggest blow was the second divorce and by then my family had grown to three girls and me. I was so devastated by the divorce, dating was the farthest thing from my mind. I recovered after about two years and decided to do things a little differently this time. I eventually met a man who has after nearly 10 years become my life partner, but dating was difficult. Mattie was six when Mark and I started our romance and I decided that I would not bring this man into her life until I knew he would be with us for the long haul. We saw each other only on the nights Mattie was with her father. She knew he existed and met him a couple of times skiing, or at a family gathering. Other than that, he was not a part of her life.

Mattie is sixteen now and has had a few boyfriends of her own. She is very level headed about what she expects and I’m proud of the decisions she has made. She suffered the pain of having mom and dad live apart, but did not have a life of a different man coming and going year after year. Is she better for it or did it make a difference?

A single father raised my sister, brother and me. I don’t remember our father dating often. No strange woman ever joined us at the breakfast table, or stuck around to take over the mother roll. I only recall one woman and her daughter who lived with us for a short while. It was difficult when that relationship ended and our father blamed his misery on the loss of love. This event surely colored my vision of the importance of finding the one and only, and I’m sure my drive to keep looking came in part, from that experience. Dad was so incredibly lonely and spoke often of his unhappiness; he was unable to find love. The drive transferred to me, and I never gave up hope.

It is as difficult to know what is best for the kids as it is to know what is best for ourselves. Most find we need romance and will move toward love with eagerness and hope. Follow your heart and your head, and life will unfold. Whether you involve the kids in your relationships or choose not to, be honest. Love them without question as they love you. That in itself will fill a large gap.

How to use this blog: I will post every week no later than Wednesday so keep checking back or sign up for the automatic email option. Included in each post will be two tasks for the week; one For You, the single mom, and one For Others, those of you who want to support a single mom. The tasks will focus on how to improve the life of a single mom; yourself and/or someone else. If you are passionate about building communities, these tasks will help you stay focused.

This week’s task:

For you – Talk to your kids about the people you bring into their lives. What do they think; how do they feel about mom dating. Most children would prefer that mom and dad were together and may have a problem with their mother spending time with another. By being aware of their feelings, you will have a better idea about how to proceed. Do you need to keep the new relationship a separate part of your life until you have a better feel for where it is going? There is no harm in talking to your kids about the man in your life. You are a healthy woman; your children will (you hope) understand. However, you will want to balance that with the awareness of their needs and desires.

When you find you are falling in love, you will want to bring the kids into the picture because they are a large part of whom you are. Will they get along; will the kids scare him off? Your situation is uniquely your own, and will not mirror another’s. Be as rational as possible and trust that whatever you decide, it will all work out in the end. It always does.

For others – The kindest thing you can do for your single mom friend is to talk with her about her struggles. Offer a compassionate ear and help her sort out her feelings and thoughts. Ask questions that will steer her thoughts towards rational decision-making. Emotions are often very high and the uncertainty of how to handle a multitude of situations is epidemic. When she finds someone she is attracted to, talk out a plan to bring or not bring that person into her children’s lives. It is perfectly understandable that when a person is falling in love, they want to share their entire life, and they should when it is time. Plan a strategy and take it slow.

Love every day and remember to breathe,
K magoo
You can reach me at info@supportasinglemom.com

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Forgive – How Can I

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It’s toughest to forgive ourselves. So it’s probably best to start with other people. It’s almost like peeling an onion. Layer by layer, forgiving others, you really do get to the point where you can forgive yourself. ~ Patty Duke

Forgiveness has been a topic of Self-Help articles and books for years. The authors claim that if you are unable to forgive, you are only hurting yourself and not the person who is the object of your anger or distain. By hanging onto the pain, you continue to be tied to the person who hurt you. They control your life in ways that is damaging and serves to perpetuate the hurt. The person of our focus is untouched by our constant mental conversations and recriminations. They move forward in their lives unharmed by our imagined lashings and slaps in the face. Why do we do this to ourselves?

The unimaginable pain inflicted by another was so severe my brain could not make sense of the act. How could anyone do something so horrible to another person? I spent years trying to determine a rational explanation with no success. I had felt violated; a part of who I am had been stolen. How could I trust or feel safe again? This person changed my life in a negative way and nothing would ever repair the damage done to me.

It is easy to say to people, “Just let go. Forgive,” but like many things in life, this is a process and one you have to believe in or it will not work. I can say, “I forgive you,” until the cows come home, but if I don’t mean it, there will be no relief or growth. I never was comfortable saying, “I forgive you,” to people who hurt me. I was able to let go of the pain and the constant reminders that my internal voice repeated over and over again. Eventually I said, “No” to that voice and it stopped. Then I tried to find some lesson or benefit I received from the bad experience. Failing that, I reminded myself that I could not change the past; it is what it is. But, I could move forward and improve my present. To do that I had to let go of the negative feelings that were keeping me stuck.

Letting go is frightening because by doing so, you wonder if you are opening yourself up to more of the same. Letting go of the pain and anger does not mean you forget what happened or the impact the event had on your life. At best, you will take the lesson learned, if you can find one, and apply it to decisions you make in the future. At least, you will no longer carry the burden of the event with you in every part of your life, therefore allowing the person who inflicted the pain to control your future.

By letting go or forgiving, you are not condoning the behavior. You are giving notice that you will no longer let the person or the incident control your life. An exercise that has been popular and works on some level is to write down the feelings you have around the situation that was so painful. Be specific and clear about what the person did to you and how you are continuing to react. Explain all your deepest thoughts including the revenge you wish you could inflict so they would know just how damaging the behavior had been. Once you get it all out on paper, burn it. Make sure it is a safe place and not in the persons sleeping quarters. Watch the paper with the emotions curl in the flames and the ashes float to the sky. With the smoke and ash go your anger and desire for revenge. Feel the release.

I haven’t been able to say, “I forgive you,” to the people who hurt me. I have been able to let go of the pain, anger, and resentment. I do not feel remorse for missing the opportunity to tell those who have died that I have forgiven them. They did the best they could with what they had and are no longer here to hurt me or anyone else again. I’m not happy or sad that they are gone, just accepting. The same is true for those who are still living. I have let go of the pain, anger and desire for revenge, and they are no longer able to hurt me because I have distanced myself emotionally. I don’t feel love, hate, or remorse. It is a kind of controlled apathy that helps me to feel safe.

They say we should love our enemies. That one I have a hard time getting my head wrapped around. I can let go of the pain, and grow from the experience. I can put myself in a place where they can no longer hurt me, and I can respect them as human being just as I can respect a stranger on the street. I can’t say that I love them any more than I can say I love the garbage man I’ve never set eyes on. I feel love and compassion for the human race, so I suppose that is the level of love they talk about. I am able to get my head around the idea that other people do not see the events from my point of view so are not aware of the pain they have inflicted. They have their own set of needs and perceived injustices. I know that not everyone defines compassion and love the way I do. Love means different things to different people. I am often equally unaware of inflicting pain. It goes both ways, and the more I’m aware of that, the easier it is to let go.

In my world, it is difficult to forgive a mother who abandons her children repeatedly and for no understandable reason. In her world, it was the daughters turn to call, and if she didn’t call then obviously she didn’t love her mom, so the daughter is causing pain and does not deserve love. There are countless examples of two people who experience the same event in very different ways. They view life from the internal rules they developed as the child. We all have different temperaments, tolerance levels, capacity to love and hate, and methods of coping. When in pain, we become completely self-absorbed and unable to let go of our feelings of injustice and blame. We are not capable of seeing our role in the event, if there was one.

How do you cope with the suffering you have endured? Do you plot against, imagine bad things happening, and relive the event repeatedly, day by day? Stop; find a way to let it go. If you can’t say, “I forgive you,” work on finding a way to keep the memory from controlling your daily life. Otherwise, the only person you are hurting is you.

How to use this blog: I will post every week no later than Wednesday so keep checking back or sign up for the automatic email option. Included in each post will be two tasks for the week; one For You, the single mom, and one For Others, those of you who want to support a single mom. The tasks will focus on how to improve the life of a single mom; yourself and/or someone else. If you are passionate about building communities, these tasks will help you stay focused.

 

This week’s task:

For you – Just for fun, try the process of burning your pain. On a piece of paper, write down your feelings of anger, betrayal, disappointment, or whatever you feel about someone or a situation you are having a difficult time getting past. Be as detailed or as blunt as you can. Burn the paper in a safe place feeling the pain float away on the smoke as it drifts to the sky. Then sit back and notice how you feel. I found it to be a fun exercise and actually helped.

For others – Perhaps you and your single mom can do this exercise together. Plan a time when you can sit down together in a quiet place to write out your burning pain message. Take turns burning your pages and sit in silence for a few minutes noticing the relief. Feel free to talk about the experience but respect the silence if either of you would prefer to keep your thoughts to private. Then go for coffee or a snack to celebrate.

Love every day and remember to breathe,

K magoo

You can reach me at info@supportasinglemom.com

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Control Freak

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Although most of us realize what we control and do not control, we live as though we do not really know, and in some cases we spend years focusing on things we cannot control. ~ Darren L. Johnson

I have been accused of being a Control Freak, and someone who likes to create drama for entertainment purposes. How do you know if you are a Control Freak, or just an independent woman capable of doing whatever it takes to get things done? Is there such a thing as a Control Freak or is it all in the eye of the beholder?

Control Freak is defined by Wikipedia as, “In psychology-related slang, control freak is a derogatory term for a person who attempts to dictate how everything around them is done. The phrase was first used in the late 1960’s— an era when great stress was laid on the principle of ‘doing one’s own thing’ and letting others do the same.”

Here are some of the characteristics of a Control Freak:

1. The need to run the show and control others

2. Claim to know what is best

3. Compulsive and/or perfectionist behavior

4. Workaholic tendencies

5. Inability to trust others

6. Unable to allow themselves to be vulnerable

7. Believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives

8. They feel anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger

9. Self absorbed

Am I a Control Freak? As a single mom, I do feel the need to run the show particularly when the players were two and six years old. When they became older, probably around ages eight and twelve, we decided to play a game. For three days, they were to switch places with me. The girls were ‘in charge’, made the rules and set the pace. They also were to make the meals, clean the kitchen or try to get me to, and were able to tell me when I had to go to bed. It was great fun until they realized that with privileges, comes responsibility. They bailed in the middle of the second day. So I returned to my role of rule maker, and they returned to early evening TV shows, which, by the way, were monitored by me. Does that make me a Control Freak?

I believe I also claimed to know what was best. For example, I thought it best that the girls bed time was 8:00 and that they bathe, brush their teeth and let mom read them a story first. I thought it best that if they didn’t finish their dinner, they did not get dessert, and I thought it best for them to help clear the dishes from the table afterwards. There was a long list of things I thought was best, but most moms, single or not, probably feel the same. Does that make us Control Freaks?

Compulsive and perfectionist behaviors may need a little more clarification. Compulsive behavior is being compelled to do something but can also be described as obsessive behavior. I am compulsive in certain behaviors like playing computer games for hours, and staying up until 2:00 in the morning to finish a jigsaw puzzle. When I start spring-cleaning or weeding a section of the yard, I don’t stop until it is done or I collapse from exhaustion. Other than that, I’m perfect.

Working is not as much fun as reading a book or watching a good movie. I would rather spend the weekend on the beach or in the mountains than anything else. I use as much vacation time as I can and wish I had more. I am not a workaholic.

I will admit that it was difficult for me to trust others. I grew up under difficult circumstances so I learned to be wary. I consistently put my men through all kinds of tests to determine if they wanted to be with me badly enough to stick it out. Men had to jump through many hoops before I would trust them. I believed people were telling me the truth unless they gave me a reason not to, though I often did not trust their motives or that they would continue to tell me the truth. I suppose I have trust issues. Does that make me a Control Freak?

Being vulnerable is very difficult for a woman who practically raised herself and her younger sister and brother. I became extremely independent. Allowing myself to become vulnerable involves trust. For those of us who have issues with trust, being vulnerable is nearly impossible. It is often just too dangerous and scary. The foundation of our lives feels unsteady enough without bringing in the possibility of further fractures. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable will happen with the right person. Until then, be cautious, but aware that people will think you are a Control Freak.

Maintaining some level of control is necessary for a single mom. So much of daily life is out of control. You schedule responsibilities, appointments, and activities only to have them change when one of the kids gets sick, or your boss needs you to go out of town for a few days. The kids have specific routines at more or less specific times in the day. A daily structure you created to manage life. Keeping a handle on expenses is critical, and the income must be well guarded. You do what you can to control (teach) your children’s socially acceptable behavior. This is your job, so yes, you are a Control Freak in as many areas of your life that is humanly possible. You wish you had control over the parts that are completely out of reach, but don’t we all? Without some control, life would be complete chaos rather than shaky with periods of calm. Does that make us Control Freaks?

I spent years feeling anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. Two divorces with young children involved will do that to any sane person. I admit I was a little compulsive, obsessive even, after divorce number two. I suppose that makes me a Control Freak because I could not let go of the pain; I could not believe I had made another poor life choice. What does not kill us makes us stronger? Let’s hope so.

I am very self absorbed and am teased about it often. I’m constantly looking for ways to improve my life and be happier with what I have. Fortunately, things have greatly improved and life is now much more stable and comfortable than it had been. This is allowing me the opportunity to look beyond my own existence and focus on helping those who are struggling the way I struggled for so many years. I am still very self absorbed but the focus is less on how I can make my life better, and more on how I can make life easier for others.

Am I a Control Freak? They say that Control Freaks do not think they are controlling, only right. Hmm….

How to use this blog: I will post every week no later than Wednesday so keep checking back or sign up for the automatic email option. Included in each post will be two tasks for the week; one For You, the single mom, and one For Others, those of you who want to support a single mom. The tasks will focus on how to improve the life of a single mom; yourself and/or someone else. If you are passionate about building communities, these tasks will help you stay focused.

This week’s task:

For you – Take the test for yourself. Run through the list of characteristics and define the level of control you feel is necessary to maintain your life style. Are you over or under controlling? If the people in your life feel that spontaneity is not an option, or that you will withhold love because they didn’t do the laundry the moment you asked them to, you may be a little too controlling. If they are running your life and you feel like you have no say in anything that happens in your day, you may be under controlling. Make a list of areas you can improve on. For example, perhaps you can be more patient and understanding when four year old spills his milk for the second time in one morning. On the other hand, perhaps you need to say ‘no’ to a request to take three dance classes a week. You decide, but more than anything else, be kind to yourself, laugh about the stories you come up with, and love so deeply your heart aches.

For others – Take the test for yourself and share your stories with your single mom friend. It is very important to laugh about the areas you feel you need to improve. This is not life or death so make a game of it and have fun. Judging is easy, understanding can be a little more challenging. Give it a try.

Love every day and remember to breathe,

K magoo

You can reach me at info@supportasinglemom.com

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Becoming a Single Mom

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Acknowledging and accepting whatever stuff you may have to let go comes easier when you love yourself. ~Darren L. Johnson

Very few girls start life dreaming of becoming a single mom. At age twelve, I dreamt of having a stunningly handsome husband who earned enough to buy a comfortable five-bedroom home for the four children and me. It had a white picket fence (no kidding), and a two car garage with room for a powerboat that we took out every weekend. I imagined we would spend two or three weeks a year traveling all over the world, tropical islands mostly. I never actually gave birth and the kids practically raised themselves with the help of a nanny of course. I was slender, active, and my husband loved me to distraction. My days spent dinning with friends and going to The Club to play tennis. Life would be grand as soon as I grew up and married the perfect man.

I eventually became an adult and at age 23, married a handsome, kind, man who loved me deeply. We lived in a three bedroom home about a mile above a large lake in Seattle. On the surface, life was very, very good and we were happy.

One sunny spring morning about two months after we married, I woke and turned to gaze at my handsome new husband as he slept. Suddenly the voice in my head started screaming, “Oh my God, what have you done? You can’t live with this man for the rest of your life!” The problem: I loved him but was not in-love with him. There is a big difference and at age 24 the thought that I would never be married to a man I was in-love with was too depressing to even entertain. I swiftly silenced that voice in my head and gave myself a little lecture. “You have been married just two months and you are going to make this work. This wonderful man loves you very much. You’ve made a commitment so you are going to make the best of this.” Two weeks later, I discovered I was pregnant.

After four years of trying to be happy, I became so depressed it was difficult to get out of bed in the morning. This man and I didn’t have a great deal in common and I was not able to figure out how to be happy with half of a perfect life. I needed to be in-love; I needed to feel hope.

Erin was three and a half when I finally got the courage to move out and embark on a new life. I was working part time and going to school. Erin lived with her father until I could get back on my feet financially. Two weeks after I moved, I went to the doctor to get some pills to make me feel better. Instead, I got the news that I was pregnant, again.

Being a very independent woman helped a great deal in the 28 years since then. However, the second unsuccessful four-year marriage left me feeling completely defeated. As always, I do things the hard way, and sent husband number two packing one year after our daughter was born. I was 41 years old, broke, and a single mom with a little baby, for the second time in my life. Nevertheless, I could not live with a man who did not love me. The pain was nearly unbearable and in a moment of clarity, I apologized to my first ex-husband for the agony I had inflicted on him. He did not deserve it.

Becoming a mother forces you to grow up quickly; becoming a single mother means you have to become very resourceful as well. You get few if any breaks and you work, play and love on your own, without the comfort and companionship of a partner. This was not the way it was supposed to be. Now what?

Every day you get up and put one foot in front of the other. You do what you have to do to manage because you surely love those kids and they need you and deserve the best you can give. Having little people depend on you for everything is very motivating. I could whine as well as all the rest, but I got stuff done, the bills were paid, and the girls never went without food, love, or comfortable surroundings. Along the way, we had a ton of fun, many frank conversations, and more than anything else, shared a lot of love. We built a family; we built a home.

How to use this blog: I will post every week no later than Wednesday so keep checking back or sign up for the automatic email option. Included in each post will be two tasks for the week; one For You, the single mom, and one For Others, those of you who want to support a single mom. The tasks will focus on how to improve the life of a single mom; yourself and/or someone else. If you are passionate about building communities, these tasks will help you stay focused.

This week’s task:

For you – I found that while it was difficult to raise three girls on my own, it was easier than raising three girls and living in an unhappy marriage. You may not have chosen this life, but you can make it a very good one. Let your love for your children motivate you to be the best you can. Allow yourself some bad days; they will pass and the kids will cope. If you become too depressed to get out of bed, get help.

Tonight before you go to bed, look into the mirror and gaze into your own eyes. Say, out loud, “I love you.” Pause and take it in. How do you feel? When I did this for the first time, I cried big crocodile tears because I realized I meant what I had just said. All those years of feeling unlovable not knowing that all I had to do was look into my own eyes and feel the love. It was a profound experience. Try it and let me know what you feel.

For others – Your single mom friend or family member needs love. Do not set her up with a blind date, but do let her know how special and lovable she is. Single moms forget that they can be and are loved. Prove it to her and give her the above exercise to try. She may be surprised at how much love she has to give, even to herself.

Love every day and remember to breathe,

K magoo

You can reach me at info@supportasinglemom.com

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Growing Pains

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True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

How amazing to watch a child grow and change from day to day. Their soft chubby legs lengthen and form muscle, baby fat melts away as facial features mature. Even hair grows in and as the years advance, the color may change. I was blond until around fourth grade then turned auburn, now of course, gray hairs show up in very odd places.

The most astonishing changes are in the brain. The development of full sentences from babble, recognition of colors, reading words from a book, and articulating the differences between hot and cold, up and down, forwards and backwards seem to happen overnight. Subtle, often unrecognized changes from preferring the left hand over the right, to the development of body hair still surprise even after raising three kids.

Watching young people mature and grow is fascinating, but somewhere around age 30, it is not as much fun. I’m not exactly sure when a person peaks in physical and mental agility, but I think it must be between 30 and 40ish years. When I was young, I could eat anything I wanted without gaining a pound, except for my 16th year when I went a little overboard by devouring an entire apple crisp in two days and constantly chewing on red vines while doing homework. I spent my days thinking about boys rather than riding a bike or taking a walk. I manage to get the weight gain in check until I started having children, then control over the size of my waistline was no longer a matter of eating a little less for about 10 days. At about age 35, the changes in my body due to aging became noticeable and have escalated every year since.

Gazing at my grandmother’s pure white hair and saggy arms made me sad because I loved her and knew her body was dying. I could not imagine ever looking that old. Time marches on and I am now the age she was and my attitude has not changed much. I’m not particularly afraid of dying but looking and feeling old is terrifying.

I have recently had a birthday and am fully aware that there is no escaping the deep lines and cellulite encased thighs short of invasive surgery, miracle creams, or incredibly good genetics. But, I can improve my negative attitude around this process. I decided to look at my drooping breasts and be proud of their role in feeding my three girls at birth. The dark sunspots and dry patches on the backs of my hands and forearms remind me of the beautiful days in Mexico, Spain and frolicking in bare feet and shorts as a child. In the 1960’s, tanning lotion and baby oil were used to enhance the deepness of the tan. SPF had not been invented, and even if it had, it wouldn’t have made much of a difference because the tan was much more important than the remote possibility that I might develop age spots in my 50’s. I figured I’d probably be dead by then anyway.

The blessing is that while the body changes, the mind stays young. When I picture myself, I see a happy 30 year-old woman. In my mind, I am not aging. I still want to learn a foreign language, try new things, travel, go skiing, have sex, and dream. When I close my eyes, I see a slender woman with smooth unblemished skin, and when she walks into a room, people turn. Ah, the power of the mind is grand. Which reminds me, I haven’t spoken about the changes in the brain. Oh, I think I’ll save that enlightenment for another day.

Apparently, Mark Twain once said, “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” The trick is to train your mind so it does not matter. I try, but every time I look in the mirror, it matters. So while I go to the gym, slather lotions all over my body, and avoid mirrors, I live with the image of a much younger single mom who is very proud of what she has accomplished so far in this life and is looking forward to doing much more, no matter how gray her hair gets.

How to use this blog: I will post every week no later than Wednesday so keep checking back or sign up for the automatic email option. Included in each post will be two tasks for the week; one For You, the single mom, and one For Others, those of you who want to support a single mom. The tasks will focus on how to improve the life of a single mom; yourself and/or someone else. If you are passionate about building communities, these tasks will help you stay focused.

This week’s task:

For you and For others – Remember,
As you age naturally, your family shows more and more on your face. If you deny that, you deny your heritage. ~ Frances Conroy

Love every day and remember to breathe,

K magoo

You can reach me at info@supportasinglemom.com

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How to Mother Well

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Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get – only with what you are expecting to give – which is everything. ~ Katherine Hepburn

How do we learn to be good mothers? I thought we are supposed to learn from our mothers but in my case, mom gave us up when we were babies. Dad loved us but he was not a particularly attentive, emotionally healthy or stable parent. Consequently, I had few role models to draw from when I became a mother for the first time. I consistently questioned my parenting skills; would I repeat the mistakes my father made, or was I inventing my own? After sharing a story about the girls with friends, I would joking say, “That will put them in therapy for years,” but secretly feared their adult life would be spent on the psychologist couch unraveling the maze of events that lead to the emotional trauma caused by dear old mom. I wanted my children to have the childhood I would have wanted, and from that I formed a parenting style.

How do you know if you are being a good mom? Your children will tell you. From the time each learned how to write, I got love notes. One, ordinary evening when the girls were young, I went down the stairs to go to bed. On each of the bottom 10 steps was a folded piece of paper. The first was a picture of a heart, the next read, “I love you,” on another was written, “You are the best.” Each was slightly different but held the same message. Nothing about that evening was special or unusual, but it is an example of the ways my creative girls managed to say I was a good mom.

When they become adults, they have other ways of telling you what they thought of your parenting. The comments range from apologies for teen stubbornness to complaints around excessive chores. The proof of my success is that they have always been amazing people from childhood to adults; I am a good mom.

I was not a consistently good mom; as anything else in life, there are good days and bad. Sometimes good and bad months and I suspect there was damage done along the way. The best I could do was to love them, deeply, empathize when possible, and teach them everything from how to be a responsible person to how to find something to do when board. On those days when their mom didn’t have the energy, I imagine they suffered, but with some amount of suffering comes growth. You are doing your child a disservice if you do not allow them to experience difficulties in life, so don’t beat yourself up for not being perfect every minute of every day.

The strength of their hugs, the look in their eyes tells you how much they love you. You are a good mom. Trust your gut, believe in yourself, and make the parenting experience your own.

CAUTION: Do not judge your mothering skills based on how well behaved your two-year-old is in a restaurant. Chances are great that every two-year-old will behave badly, according to social adult standards, more often than not. Expecting that child to sit quietly at the table for an hour is unrealistic. You are not a bad mom if he crawls under the table, opens sugar packets, and spills water in your lap. He is being a perfectly normal two-year-old, and when you were two, you did the same and your mother wondered what she was doing wrong.

How to use this blog: I will post every week no later than Wednesday so keep checking back or sign up for the automatic email option. Included in each post will be two tasks for the week; one For You, the single mom, and one For Others, those of you who want to support a single mom. The tasks will focus on how to improve the life of a single mom; yourself and/or someone else. If you are passionate about building communities, these tasks will help you stay focused.

This week’s task:

For you – When you were the child, what did your parents do right and what would you do differently? Draw a picture with words of a good mom. Review the picture and then adjust for reality. For example, a good mom first loves their little ones without question or bounds and at times serves chicken nuggets and applesauce for dinner. A good mom is a teacher and will sometimes give examples of how not to behave. A good mom listens, plays, and reads to them, but often forgets to remind them to brush their teeth. You must figure out what works best for you and your children. Do not judge yourself on the advice of popular magazine articles or women who have a different style of parenting. The decision to run fresh vegetables through the food processor or grab a handful of fishy crackers for your child’s lunch, does not determine your ability to be a successful parent.

For others – If you are a mom who knows a single mom, share your stories and fears about your experiences. Parenting is not easy for any of us especially when the parent is doing it alone. Give her encouragement to be confident in the decisions she makes for her children. Laugh at the things we think are mistakes. We are human and mistakes are how we learn and grow. Do it together.

Love every day and remember to breathe,

K magoo

You can reach me at info@supportasinglemom.com

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Chores Can Be an Adventure….Honestly

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I never lose sight of the fact that just being is fun. ~ Katharine Hepburn

“Mom, can we go to the park?”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Can I bring my bike?”

“Maybe, now go get your dirty clothes so I can wash them.”

“Can Josh come with us? He just got a cool new scooter and I want to try it out.”

“Not right now, we have chores to do. Ask me later.”

It is a beautiful Saturday morning but you don’t notice the birds singing or the smell of freshly mowed lawn because you are concentrating on your to-do list. Vacuum, dust, empty the dishwasher, scrub the toilets and shower, mop the floors, launder the sheets on all three beds, pick up toys, recycle the magazines you don’t have time to read, sweep the back porch…. Perhaps you will have time to do something fun tomorrow.

You have worked hard all week; the time for fun is now. Take the kids to the park before doing the chores; the dishes will be in the sink when you get back, unless your fairy godmother stops by on a whim. Once you walk out that door, let your troubles fade and breathe in the smells of spring. While you spend the beautiful morning doing the chores, the wind may pick up as the sky grows dark and the rain pounds the heads of the daffodils into the earth. Seize the opportunity to get out in the fresh air while you can.

When you get back from the park all rosy cheeked and happy, it is time to face those chores. Crank up some upbeat music that gets you grooving, and turn the tasks into a party. Each child gets a duster and a room. Dancing is required, and singing advised. The little ones love to play with water, so a bucket, sponge and some soap for the kitchen floor can be great fun.

Children need to see their mom happy, so laugh, sing, and dance while you scrub the toilet, take out the garbage or swipe spider webs from the curtain rods. Make up games like, ‘Bet you can’t match all the socks,” or “Once your room is picked up, you will get a sticker to put on the chore chart, or an eraser shaped like a Volkswagen.” Remember when you give your children something to do, be specific. “Clean your room,” means one thing to you but the kids have a very different vision of what a clean room looks like. Toys under the bed are acceptable and dust does not exist for a child. Even at age 16, my youngest thinks her room is clean when the recently laundered clothes are in the clean clothesbasket rather than all over the floor, even though the half-open dresser drawers are nearly empty. If she has room on her nightstand to place a bottle of root beer or a glass of milk, all is well.

The girls and I always had more fun doing routine activities with the stereo blasting our favorite tunes. They also appreciated knowing that we would do the chores only until a certain time or when the list of tasks was complete. All benefitted from there was an end in sight.

Once the chores are complete, change it up a bit and have the kids help bake chocolate chip cookies, or assemble the salad for the evening meal. Helping mom in the kitchen is not only fun, but will teach them useful skills for their future.

How to use this blog: I will post every week no later than Wednesday so keep checking back or sign up for the automatic email option. Included in each post will be two tasks for the week; one For You, the single mom, and one For Others, those of you who want to support a single mom. The tasks will focus on how to improve the life of a single mom; yourself and/or someone else. If you are passionate about building communities, these tasks will help you stay focused.

This week’s task:

For you – All children are different so be creative. If you need ideas, search the web for ‘How to make chores with kid’s fun.’ There are many good ideas out there free. Try a few of the suggestions you find and send me your stories. If you come up with a great plan, share this on this site.

For others – If you know a single mom who could use help in this area, do a little WEB search on how to do chores with kids and send her an email on what you found. Ask her to try some of the ideas and the next time you see her, find out how it worked out. With any luck, you will have given her a great tool to make life a little easier.

Love every day and remember to breathe,

K magoo

You can reach me at info@supportasinglemom.com

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Friday Night Date

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I have stretched ropes from steeple to steeple; garlands from window to window; golden chains from star to star, and I dance. ~ Arthur Rimbaud

Remember when after a long week, you looked forward to a night out and a relaxing weekend. Stick around for a minute and I will explain how I managed to pull off a Friday night date at least twice a month.

My girls went to their father’s house every other weekend from Friday night until Sunday evening. It took me several years to become accustomed to this routine and adjust to their two day absence. I longed for a few hours to myself, but once I had the time alone, I felt disjointed; uncomfortable in my own, quiet space. Somehow, peaceful solitude seemed unnatural. I felt adrift moving from couch to chair then back to the couch. I turned the TV on then off to read a book, then on again while I worked on a craft project. There was no settling into a comfortable activity. I found it odd that once I got what I wanted, I didn’t know what to do with it.

I loved the weekend with the girls, digging in the garden, playing games, letting them brush my hair or rub my shoulders. How fun it was to color outside the lines or stack blocks only to knock them down again. My favorite sound is the giggles from little ones as they run through the park or fly toward the sky gripping the chain of a swing. The pure joy on their faces as they race through the house to avoid the squirt gun mom wields. Discovering creative activities to do with the kids has always been great fun for me.

Then Friday night came and the house was quiet, my friends were with family or lovers; I found myself alone and a little sad. Something needed to be done so I made a plan.

On the Friday the girls were to go to their father’s for the weekend, I went shopping after work. I bought a bottle of wine, a fresh artichoke if they were in season, and rented a couple of movies. After the girls’ father picked them up at 6:00, I was on my own. Rather than feeling out of sorts, I had a plan. The wine was chilling, and a pot of water placed on the stove to boil. I washed and trimmed the artichoke, rubbed lemon on the leaves to keep them from browning and turned on the TV while sorting through mail. The artichoke took about 45 minutes to steam, and in the mean time I melted a quarter cup of butter with a clove of garlic in the microwave, opened the bottle of wine, and put two or three tablespoons of mayonnaise into a small Pyrex bowl. On the coffee table in front of the TV, I put a fork, knife, napkin (paper towel) and a medium sized bowl for the discarded leave. A glass of wine, bowl of mayonnaise, the bowl of melted garlic butter, and the perfectly steamed artichoke followed.

I pop the movie into the VCR (remember this was a number of years ago), fast-forward to the main attraction and settle in for a lovely evening. Artichokes are one of my favorite foods. The word ‘artichoke’ jumps off the page on any menu and ordered immediately. On this evening, it is the artichoke, a glass of wine and me. Each leave pealed from the stem, dipped into mayonnaise and then garlic butter. My lower teeth scrape off the tender base and the remains tossed into the bowl reserved for that purpose. I take a sip of wine, the movie starts and my Friday night date begins.

When the movie ends, I sit for a few quiet minutes enjoying the quiet darkness of the room. The dishes go into the sink and I greedily sort through the CDs to choose the ones that fit my mood. The CD player holds six set to run consecutively. I light several candles; make sure the doors locked and the drapes drawn, then crank up the music. Dancing is another favorite activity. Singing is not one of my strengths but I love the vibration in my throat and the exhilaration of musical rhythm. For the next three or four hours I dance from the living room to the kitchen to the TV room singing at the top of my lungs in complete abandon.

I have more fun on these evenings by myself than I often have with others. This is complete freedom without pretense or self-consciousness. I do not have to prove anything to anyone; all worry evaporates. The past and the future do not exist during these Friday night hours; just the moments. I create a space and a time that is 100% mine. In the morning, I wake up with a smile, and a little hangover.

How to use this blog: I will post every week no later than Wednesday so keep checking back or sign up for the automatic email option. Included in each post will be two tasks for the week; one For You, the single mom, and one For Others, those of you who want to support a single mom. The tasks will focus on how to improve the life of a single mom; yourself and/or someone else. If you are passionate about building communities, these tasks will help you stay focused.

This week’s task:

For you – The next time you know you are going to have an evening to yourself, plan a date. Think about what you love to do and incorporate those elements into your evening. Buy a bottle of champagne, or a bouquet of flowers. Order take-out if you do not want to cook or take yourself to your favorite place restaurant. Go to the theater or the ballet. Take yourself on a date even if it sounds silly, sad or lonely. Trust me; this is much more fun than wallowing in self-pity and you will strengthen your ability to love even yourself.

If money is a problem, throw all that loose change you find at the bottom of your purse into a jar. After a month or two, you may be surprised at how much you have accumulated. Make this your ‘mad money’ and treat yourself.

For others – If you know a single mom who does not get a Friday or Saturday night off from her kids, offer to take them for the evening or just out for a few hours. Give your single mom friend the idea of pampering herself for a short while. Plant the seed and give her the opportunity to pamper herself. Good luck.

Love every day and remember to breathe,

K magoo

You can reach me at info@supportasinglemom.com

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